Checking In ✨🌈
In MyFirstSubstack™ I talk about obsessive compulsions, my need for certainty (and hate for uncertainty), re-watching Friends, and learning to let go of control.
My life is a series of checks.
Checking to see if I’m ovulating, checking to see where that parcel is, checking to see if an email is really in my sent folder and not stuck somewhere between my drafts and my self-imposed reply-time calculation to not appear too eager to agree to a work opportunity.
At school, I’d drive myself mad packing and repacking my bag to make sure I had books, homework sheets, pencils - and then when I’d walk in with my friends the next day, I’d routinely ask, “It was just the Maths homework due today, wasn’t it?”, and it would feel like the ground was slipping away from me if ever a friend replied, “Yeah, and that Science quiz, too.”
I had to be prepared, know what was coming, what was happening - and if I didn’t, I’d panic.
Recently - or, really, not so recently - I’ve found these old habits creeping back. I suppose it’s to be expected, leading on from two (+?) years of absolute uncertainty (is that a contradiction?), with freedoms ripped away at a moment’s notice, navigating that godforsaken ‘new normal’ when each step feels like your phone has no signal and you’re lost in the middle of some woods at sunset, alone.
Here’s an extract I read from Needing to Know For Sure this morning:
“Avoiding reassurance is not an easy task, and ubiquitous technology and connectedness have made it more difficult than it once was. Today, the lure of potential reassurance seems ever at hand: a glance at your phone, a check on the internet, one more reading of a text.”
My friends and I have taken to re-watching old TV shows purely for the predictability - because we already know what happens, it can’t surprise us. I’ve started playing old video games in a hunt for what I think is childhood nostalgia, where all I had to worry about was how many gold coins I was away from buying a bunch of pixels (in reality, I know my childhood wasn’t at all worry-free, but I have my rose-tinted specs on).
And so, this repetitive checking is my thwarted way of capturing control of things I can’t control - weather forecasts being my current vibe. And having these childhood concerns re-emerge now that I’m an adult means I can’t tuck myself away into a box to wait for things to blow over, or avoid all unpredictable events, as much as I would like to.
I keep listening to Dermot Kennedy’s Better Days:
“Your story's gonna change, just wait for better days. You've seen too much of pain, now, you don't even know that your story's gonna change, just wait for better days.”
I’m doing all the cliché self-care things - meditating, journaling, getting outside, doing yoga, drinking copious cups of water - but I know that alone won’t change the way my mind is currently wired.
So, for now, I’ll continue to find solace in the things I already know (like practically every word of every Friends episode, ever - try me), the fact that I now end every day with yoga practice, and I suppose the inside-out-inducing-feeling that ~*I am not alone*~, even if our social media feeds don’t belie a quiver in our smiles.
Ps - hi! Hello! I’m Lucy. Since June 2020 I’ve been running LucyWrites, my content writing company, after remote working taught us all that freelancers don’t need to be in the office with someone to get their company’s ~~ViBe~~.
I like to use my lived experience to connect with others through my writing, and have written for HuffPost, Metro.co.uk, Reader's Digest and Stylist on both mental and physical health, to silly things about changing rooms and getting obsessed with my fitness tracker.
Making my hobby my career has meant my creative writing has taken a backseat over the past few years - so things i tell my cat will be my new space for musings. I’m so happy to have you here. 🐱
I can absolutely relate to knowing every word in Friends. Or at least I should do given how much I watch the series! Excited to see more of your newsletter!
Love this idea for a substack and, of course, the way you write. I so relate to these vibes of needing some predictability in life right now! Excited to subscribe for more! x